28th of April, 2020


I have so many ideas, yet all of them stays forever in my head. I often wonder if it's because of my laziness, or maybe I'm just scared that others won't appreciate my effort? Probably truth lies somewhere in the middle. Process of writing an article is a great example of my passive approach to the creative work. I'm constantly looking for any reason to do something - and what I should actually do, is just sit down and start typing whatever I have currently in mind. Nevertheless, all these thoughts like "No one will ever read this" or "Your English is not good enough to be enjoyed" makes me postpone things. Searching for excuses efficiently limits my potential. And whenever I feel insecure about something, any creative work have to wait few days when my self being will go back to normal.

Title "Freestyle" helped me to actually write something. With many topics on my list waiting for the right time, something casual was the way to go. When I'm trying to put my thoughts in different language than my native one on paper, it's easy to deviate from the designated path. Fact that I can't be as eloquent as I am while using my national vocabulary is really frustrating. I feel like I'm a fraud whenever I can't express my opinion in a way that coincides with what I really think due to my modest lexicon.

My huge inspirations are mostly people working in web development field. I thought that my blog would be similar to theirs, and that I would write more technical articles than the personal ones. I'm not even suprised that I prefer to brag about my fights with discipline and motivation. I think that deep down I crave attention but I'm scared that my hard work won't pay off. And I have to say that it's much harder to write something on industry subject than to just open up about myself and feel small reliev after devoting any effort. Hopefully one day I'll sell all of my dirty web development secrets as I know that some of them would be really useful for a huge number of people.

Finally, I just wanted to say that lately I'm in a really good mood. I sing a lot, dance when no one sees and I'm not so harsh and mean to myself. Whenever I'm happy for a while, I'm also scared that something will crush my inner peace and I'll hit the ground falling from the heights determined by the levels of my happiness. Nevertheless I appreciate every happy day and celebrate it like it's a holiday.

Wish you everything best! xoxo